stuck

So, I've been stuck at 95 for three weeks now. The first week I stayed within my points, did water aerobics 3 times, second week was my TOM so I didn't expect to loose, this third week I didn't try so hard, but stayed within points, but I'm so totally stuck. I guess this is what they call a plateau? Couple weeks back I wrote about mentally getting past this point, wondering if now that I'm back to 'my normal' if I would get further. Well, now I know that I want to keep going, but my body seems unconvinced!
I'm thinking a good plan is to try new things to make up the same points. I'm thinking of cutting out bread, and using those points in more creative ways. Basically, I'm going to try jump starting things by eating the same point value but in a new way. Considering vegetarian for a week but I think my husband would freak! Or, I could try cutting carbs for a week. I'm just thinking of ways to change it up.
Also, I might be coming down with something. Baby is sick today, and yesterday. My energy levels are very low. We've been entertaining a lot of guests recently and I'm pretty tired. Pool is closed - no water aerobics till September now. Not sure why Russian pools close for the summer, seems backwards to me :) I remember how upset I was when Diamond Creek (VIC) pool closed for winter :) Culture- don't you love it!

it's not about what you can't eat.

The thing I like about WW is all of a sudden I know what I SHOULD eat! I mean before this I had these vague ideas about what I SHOULDN"T eat - stay away from deep fried, two scoops of ice cream is plenty, etc. It used to drive me crazy when doctors etc. would tell me what to avoid. But what weightwatchers has given me is help in understanding what I should be eating. No one every really gave me that information before. I can now confidently fill up on food that I know is good, instead of feeling hungry and confused.
Yesterday I had a bit of an adventure. After watching some masterchef I decided to try to smoke some chicken breasts for dinner. No fat, new flavours. SO I went out to the forest and collected a bag full of pine cones. (Hey, I live in Siberia -there are some advantages!) I put them in the wok just like Gary did, with about a cup of barley kernals instead of rice, and it started smoking up. But I left them in there WAY too long and besides smoking up the whole apartment they were sadly overcooked and tasted horrible :( But all is not lost, I think if I just pulled them out sooner they would have been fine. My husband is unconvinced, he thinks I'm experimenting on him, which I guess I am. I also made an awesome mushroom risotto without the HUGE amounts of butter that George and Gary's had, it tasted great, but took longer than I expected, hence the overcooked chicken :S If only the broccolli had been fresh.

What changes am I willing to make

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. So obviously I have had to make changes in order to loose weight. What I'm thinking about today is making changes that are sustainable. The last thing I want to do is make temporary changes "until I loose the weight". That behaviour is just setting myself up for regaining anything I've lost. I'm not actually one of those yo-yo dieters. Before I started WW last year I had only ever lost weight once. Mostly I considered weight to be something that you couldn't do anything about, like the colour of your skin. So there has been a learning curve for me! But thankfully I haven't been victim to the ups and downs that most WW people have expereinced on other attempts to loose weight. (the one time I did loose weight it was by skipping meals and pretending I enjoyed feeling hungry!- maybe I'll tell that story another time)
So, I want to make changes that are sustainable, will I want to do this 3 years from now? 10 years? Are the changes I'm making for good? I'm really taking it kinda slowly, the last thing I want to do is make myself a quitter. Its like in the pool, while the number of laps I was doing each day was picking up. When I did 18 laps, I held off for a while because I knew that once I was doing 20 I could never go back to less that 20! Every time I make a change, whether its diet or exercise I want it to be a change that I am making for the long haul. I am not willing to make changes that are for "while I'm on WW"

self-love

Which motivates you, self-love or self-hate?
I was brought up in a family where lots of us were overweight, and the emphasis was always on loving yourself as you are and remembering people's good points, not judging them, etc. All very good things. Along with this was the idea that people who were trying to loose weight were assumed to be motivated by self-hate and so were talked out of it. "What do you mean you want to loose weight? You're beautiful just as you are!"
So I spent many years not loosing weight and trying to enjoy it :)
But I have found another motivation: self-love. I can loose weight because I know that I am valuable, not because I think it will make me valuable. Can you see the difference? Its a drastic difference.
Self-hate wont take you there. You will find something else to hate yourself for. Its motivating in the short term, but its not actually helpful, that much my family was right about. But self-love, thats where all the best motivation comes from!

Where do I want to be?

So I am very happy with my weigh in this morning 96.7, which clears away last week's gain plus a bonus loss of 200g. About as much as I could ask for and I feel good.
So, here's what I'm worried about - this is the normal me. At 118 I was bigger than I had ever been, I couldn't understand why my usual 20-22s weren't fitting. But now I'm wearing 18-20s and feeling great about the weight I've lost. I'm worried that its going to all kinda pieter out now. I mean this is where I feel like I'm supposed to be. This is the size I've been basically my entire adult life.
Do I want to loose more? I want to want to. But it comes with some emotional risks. Is it mocking the happiness and contentment I had in previous years to want something different than that? This is not going to come out coherent - sorry readers :) I'm not sure yet myself how I feel. Anyone else been there?

Remembering my first meeting

I joined weight watchers around February 2009. I really should look that up and remember it properly. I still have the first passport book they gave me. I was the biggest I'd ever remembered being, but somehow I didn't really have a concept of how overweight I was. I guess its different comparing yourself to a health BMI rather than comparing yourself to the people you see around you, cause lets face it - there are a lot of big people out there.
A doctor who worked for my employer wrote me a letter which also was copied to a few others in the company. The gist of the letter was that if I didn't loose weight he would not recommend me to go back to my job overseas because the risks were to high for someone "extremely obese" I still think that was over the top. Obese is one of those words that just doesn't need a quantifier. I was angry, hurt and embarassed that others also saw his letter. Besides I had come back with plans for a second baby, not a pressure test of weight loss!
The good news at the end of this story is that I managed to do both. Had the second baby and lost enough that I was approved to return overseas.
So I went to my first weight watchers meeting with anger in my heart thinking "I'll show that judgmental, nasty Dr." But I came home from my first meeting feeling so much worse! I was crying all over my husband! I felt absolutely awful.
This part of the story is not an add for weight watchers. The leader at my meeting sighed when I came in. She obviously didn't believe I could do it. She treated me like I was wasting her time during the registration. She was explaining the first week 18 point fast start plan to me and another girl that was new that night, and she says "but you won't be able to do that dear, you'll get too hungry". But didn't tell me what I should do! She starts the meeting, and goes on and on about how she makes sure she has enough points for her alcohol, and her fanatical weighing of every element of every meal. I'm sitting there thinking " I don't EVER want to be like her!" Here's a woman who exchanged one addiction/obsession for a whole 'nother set!
So afterward I mention to her that my husband and I were trying for another baby, and could I continue if I got pregnant. She got all weird about that, but I guess she was right - it was a higher priority for me than my weight loss was.
Thankfully what I read online and in the magazine etc, was a lot more helpful. I lost 7kg in those first 8 weeks until I did get pregnant! They say that loosing 5% of your body weight at any weight doubles your fertility.
More of my story next time....